I had the privilege of experiencing the worst period of my life, starting 2020.
This privilege lasted for the better part of five years.
I got to experience issues in my personal relationships, work, finances and even my health.
I thought my worst days had been behind me, so this came a huge shock to my system.
Plus, because I was so much older and wiser than I was since I last experienced such difficult times, I thought I knew what I had to do and could bounce back fast. But this was not the case.
Things got so bad that I briefly thought about ending my life.
And even though I was able to leave that idea behind, my life still felt to me like it wasn’t worth living because of all the things that had gone wrong, and because of everything I thought I’d lost.
This feeling lasted until very recently.
Personal Responsibility
Looking back on it all, I realise that I had played a part in everything that went wrong. I was personally responsible for much of it.
But this is not how I chose to see it at the time. I wanted to play victim and blame everyone else except myself.
Though I had held lofty ambitions in terms of how I wanted to think and operate in life, when it came down to it, I took the easy way out. I chose victimhood and blame.
I thought I believed that I created my own reality and preached this to the world. But I was quick to say that it was someone else’s fault that I was experiencing a reality that I did not want.
I believe the term psychologists use to describe this (holding two conflicting beliefs at the same time) is ‘cognitive dissonance.’ Well, that was me.
Moving Forward
Even though I didn’t want to accept responsibility for creating the issues that were weighing me down, I was lucky enough that I was able to understand that it was my responsibility to work towards changing things for the better.
I was willing to accept personal responsibility for fixing my life. And this helped a lot.
And so, very slowly, and with a lot of resistance within, I stepped up and started.
As is always the case with taking personal responsibility (and actively creating a different reality), I had to change my thoughts and my behaviour.
I had the hard conversations. I made the tough decisions. And I did the things that were hard for me to do–but were the things I needed to do to make things better.
And so, very slowly, life began to get better.
Now, five years into it, I can finally talk about it publicly and write about it.
And I can accept that for everything that happened, I had played a part in making it happen.
Even if it wasn’t all my fault, it was at least partly my fault.
This is personal responsibility. And I’m finally at the point where I can own what happened with a sense of personal responsibility.
Bitter Pill or Magic Pill?
What does personal responsibility mean? And why is it important?
Yes, it’s a bitter pill to swallow: to say that you somehow created something that you never wanted to experience.
Blaming God or someone else is so much easier.
But blame equals disempowerment, and disempowerment steals our life force. More importantly, it keeps us trapped in painful situations.
Personal responsibility is the antidote to this.
When we take personal responsibility for something, we declare that we had the power to create it. When we do this, we’re also declaring that we have the power to undo it, or change things for the better.
So taking personal responsibility equals taking our power back. It is empowering. And empowerment is life giving.
Taking personal responsibility frees us to create and enjoy a life of happiness and meaning, no matter the heartache and the obstacles we may have to face along the way.
So, I wish you freedom. I wish you happiness. And most of all, I wish you personal responsibility.
I don’t profess to know how you should bring up your child.
To the best of my understanding, your child chose you, even before incarnating, because they believed you would be the perfect parent for them in this lifetime.
But from being a child and a parent myself, and having been close to other human beings who have shared their experiences of being children and parents, one thing has become clear to me: children need our love and acceptance, more than anything else in life.
You may have been led to believe that studies, sports, careers, money, legacies and teaching them ‘how behave’ are the most important things, and I don’t blame you. These things can be immensely helpful to smoothening their path through life.
But they are a poor substitute for the love and acceptance of a parent.
And all those worldly things, if imposed on them at the expense of their self-worth and self-acceptance, will harm them more than you can ever imagine.
Forget the rhyme about sticks and stones. The truth is that even words can and do hurt. They have the power to scar children for life.
A child who is told that they are ‘not right’, ‘not normal’ or ‘not good enough’ will go through life believing this to be true. As a consequence, they will create a life experience that mirrors these ideas.
The irony will be that they will feel unworthy and undeserving of the very things that you want them to have and enjoy in life.
They will have relationships in which they are made to feel not good enough. And they will meet failure and poverty at every turn.
And so, in your eagerness to do good by them, you will have unwittingly become the cause of their greatest suffering.
And although you might work, strive and sacrifice on their behalf to the point of exhaustion, it is likely that the thing they will remember most clearly about you, whenever they think of you, will be the hurt and pain you caused them.
Please don’t let it be this way.
As the American abolitionist and statesman Frederick Douglass famously said:
‘It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.’
So teach and guide your child by all means, but don’t hurt or attack them.
It is up to you, as the grown adult, to regulate your feelings and deal with these in an appropriate way.
Your child is not your punching bag.
Let your love and acceptance of them as individuals be what shines through all your words and actions, and not your anger or frustration.
In the words of the Sufi poet Rumi:
‘Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.
And above all else, let your child know on a daily basis how much you love them, and how much they mean to you.
Let them know that you love and accept them, no matter what.
And don’t just think it. Tell them and show them. Spell it out to them.
Let it be the one thing they know without a doubt about you and their relationship with you.
And if, by some chance, you’ve gone about it any other way, don’t lose heart. You’re not alone. And you can fix it and make things better.
Love, and time, heals all wounds. So it’s never too late.
But you have to take the first step. You have to apologise.
And you might have to be a little patient and give them time to process things.
There is a world of children and grown people who used to be children that are hurting and suffering. And they may very well end up doing to their children what their parents did to them.
And there is a world of parents who are hurting because their children are rejecting them and distancing themselves in adulthood.
So much unnecessary suffering…
But you have the power to change this. And you can do something about it right now.
Please accept my sincere apologies if anything I have said offends you. That was never my aim.
I am not a saint, or perfect in any way, and I don’t pretend to be. I make mistakes every single day, though I’d love not to.
But I can’t stand by and not share what I know to be true, when it can help to prevent unnecessary suffering. And this is my only reason for writing.
I wish you love, peace and happiness, and the close and loving relationship with your child that you want and deserve,
‘Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.’ ––The Holy Bible (John 15:13)
They say that everybody remembers when they first heard about 9/11.
I know I do.
I was at a sweaty gym in the suburbs of Colombo, trying to focus on my lifts, while my buddy and the two trainers were glued to the T.V.
Little did I know that this day would change the world forever.
And little did I suspect, that some 24 years later, I would be moved to write about the heroic efforts of an exceptional human being on that day.
A Hero in Action
Battalion Chief Orio Palmer and team were among the first to arrive at the World Trade Center following the initial attack on 9/11.
Then, when the South Tower was hit, he moved there to help with the rescue efforts.
He faced many challenges, but Chief Palmer overcame each one and truly shone that day.
With none of the lifts working, there was no easy way to get up to the hundreds of frightened and injured people trapped on the upper floors, or bring them down.
Chief Palmer managed to get a freight elevator working, enabling rescuers to get to the higher floors quickly and bring people down to safety.
Amidst the chaos and destruction at the site, the radio systems were not working. There was no way to send or receive the information needed to coordinate the rescue.
Again, Chief Palmer rose to the challenge and got the radios working, restoring critical communications that would help to save more lives.
12 Floors in 10 Minutes
Chief Palmer was determined to get to the upper floors and the point of impact, but the freight elevator he fixed would only take him up to the 41st floor.
So, he climbed the remaining 37 floors on foot, and in record time.
Heavily laden with gear, estimated to weigh up to 50-60 lbs, Chief Palmer powered up the stairway, ascending 12 floors in just 10 minutes, relaying crucial information as he went along.
Together with colleague, Fire Marshall Ronald Bucca, who he met along the way, he eventually reached the 78th floor.
Once there, he radioed back, reporting two fires and several fatalities, yet sounding confident that the fires could be put out easily.
But tragically, shortly afterwards, the South Tower collapsed, claiming the lives of Chief Palmer and so many others.
Battalion Chief Orio Palmer
Battalion Chief Orio Joseph Palmer was born on 2nd March, 1956 in New York City, U.S.A.
Following a distinguished career with Fire Department of the City of New York (FDNY) that spanned two decades, he was widely recognised for his dedication, extensive knowledge and physical prowess.
Chief Palmer held an Associate Degree in Electrical Technology from Westchester Community College and was working towards a Bachelor’s Degree in Fire Engineering from John Jay College.
He also authored several training manuals and technical articles on firefighting tactics and safety.
But Chief Palmer’s specialist knowledge didn’t end there.
He was also knowledgeable in subjects such as radio communications in high-rise buildings, and the operation of elevators: knowledge that would play a crucial role in his actions during the rescue efforts of 9/11.
Chief Palmer was a formidable athlete, completing numerous marathons, triathlons and other fitness challenges.
He held the distinction of being the first person to win the FDNY’s annual Physical Fitness Award five times!
Family Man and Exceptional Human
Chief Palmer was a devoted husband, father and family man.
On a personal note, one of the most endearing things I have learned about him was of his love of children.
Chief Palmer’s family reports that he enjoyed playing and ‘goofing around’ with his children, nieces and nephews, and kids from the neighbourhood.
Not only did he organise fishing trips and games of stickball with these kids, he’s even credited with inventing silly ‘fairy dances’ for the amusement of his daughters!
Hope Amidst the Rubble
Chief Palmer’s mission that day in 2001 was to save the lives of those who were trapped in the buildings following the attacks.
He did so much and got so far, but fate preventing him from fully completing what he’d set out to do.
But even in death, he remains victorious, because he lived and died as he chose: showing up as the best version of himself and serving others–right until the final moment.
One can only imagine the sense of relief it would have given the scared and injured people trapped on the 78th floor, to see the figures of Chief Palmer and Fire Marshall Bucca emerging from the smoke and rubble that day.
It is more than likely that thanks to these two heroic men, their final moments were filled with hope and relief, instead of the terror and despair they would have otherwise felt.
The Definition of A Hero
The defining characteristic of a hero is that he runs towards danger while everyone else runs away from it.
And that’s exactly what Battalion Chief Palmer did on 9/11.
When the Twin Towers were under attack and in flames; when everyone was trying their best to get away from it all, he did his very best to get to the heart of it, so he could save lives.
Spiritual Warrior
Chief Palmer wasn’t in the military, but he was every bit a warrior.
And though he didn’t fight on the battlefield, he still fought daily. He fought countless fires, and he also fought everything that makes up a person’s lower nature: things like sloth, mediocrity, arrogance and fear.
He was a spiritual badass, and his lower nature (if he even had one) never stood a chance!
Chief Palmer was a warrior of light. He’d tapped into his superpower and his actions were grounded in love:
Love for others – He was a giver to the core and lived to serve.
Whether it was coaching the kids baseball team, or coaching colleagues for their promotional exams, Chief Palmer gave his time generously.
He even went into work on his days off to paint the fire station!
Love for the craft – He wanted to be the best firefighter he could be. So, he studied, trained and drilled relentlessly.
He trained his mind and body in all the ways that would make him a more effective fireman and leader.
Love for the self – Chief Palmer invested time and energy to become his best self.
He kept fit. He was a lifelong learner. And he did what he loved to do.
He did all the things that fulfilled him and delighted his spirit.
Love for life – Chief Palmer lived life to the full.
He learned. He taught. He served. He played. He loved. He laughed and he made others laugh.
He lived joyfully.
Uncommon Amongst the Uncommon
There’s no questioning the fact that everyone who stepped up to help and serve on that day is a hero or heroine, demonstrating through their selfless actions the uncommon nature of their character.
But Chief Palmer was uncommon even among these uncommon people, because the heroes he worked with considered him their hero and role model.
At an interview, Former FDNY Commissioner Sal Cassano was asked whether Chief Palmer’s men followed him because they feared him or respected him. Commissioner Cassano’s reply was, “They followed him because they loved him.“
I am indebted to the living legend David Goggins for introducing me to the phrase ‘uncommon amongst the uncommon.’
Greatness recognises greatness, so there is no doubt at all in my mind that Mr. Goggins would gladly approve of the use of his words to describe Chief Palmer.
Remembering 9/11 Differently
For most people, the mere mention of 9/11 stirs up feelings of fear, sadness and anger.
But by choosing to see it only in this way, we might be doing ourselves and so many heroes and heroines a disservice.
Of course, we should never forget what happened. And of course, those feelings we all feel are more than justified.
But we shouldn’t just focus on the many ways in which darkness and evil won that day.
We should also try to remember with pride, admiration and gratitude, all the selfless men and women who stepped up that day and did incredible things–things that should never be forgotten.
So, perhaps, when you next think of 9/11, you might choose to remember Battalion Chief Orio Palmer: who he was, what he did, and all the good that he embodied.
And maybe, like me, you might draw inspiration from his example.
To this end, I would like to share a quote which hung on Chief Palmer’s home refrigerator and was something he lived by:
‘Remember as always, live while you’re alive.’
Legacy
Following his death, Chief Palmer has been duly recognised for his service and heroism.
He has two streets name after him, and the fitness award he won so many times at the FDNY is now called the ‘DC Orio Palmer Memorial Fitness Award.’
But along with his life and example, Chief Palmer’s greatest legacy has to be his three children, who live according to his values and continue to make this world a better place through their work and service.
Together, they founded the Orio Palmer Foundation with the mission of ‘providing scholarships to aspiring students that embody the values of courage, service, and leadership.’
As one commenter on Youtube put it: ‘I’m glad his genes (are) still out here among us.’
I couldn’t agree more!
A Final Salute
It is customary for every military hero to receive a final salute.
Although the hero in question is a civilian, I am firmly convinced that a final salute is still called for.
So here goes:
Chief Palmer, Sir, thank you for you service and example.
We will always remember you with so much pride, admiration and gratitude.
We hope you have found the heavenly peace that you so richly deserve.
We also hope that you are resting secure in the knowledge that you continue to make this world a better place, through your memory and legacy.
I would like to thank Mr. Keith Palmer and the Orio Palmer Foundation for their generous assistance in the creation of this post.
The text is largely based on the biography of Battalion Chief Orio Palmer from the Foundation’s website (linked below).
The photograph of Chief Palmer is reproduced with kind permission from the Orio Palmer Foundation.
‘When you finally learn that a person’s behaviour has more to do with their own internal struggle than you, you learn grace.’ ––Allison Ars
Much of the conflict and suffering in our lives has to do with other people.
Often, we hold grievances and resentment against others for something they did that we perceive as hurtful, unfair or dishonest.
We continue to suffer long after the actual event because we cannot let go of what they did, or forgive them.
On the one hand, this is entirely fair, because we have a duty to love and care for ourselves. In fact, some would argue that this (being an aspect of self-preservation) is our primary duty.
Yet on the other hand, unwanted suffering does not serve us, or aid in our self-preservation.
So, being able to understand other people’s motivations, forgive them, and release them (and ourselves) from any further negative feelings is helpful to creating happiness and attracting good things into our lives.
This is not always easy to do, but there is something that can help us make it so.
But first, let’s look at what usually happens in these situations and how we usually start off on the wrong foot.
The ‘Wrong Perception’ Trap
One of the biggest barriers to forgiveness is our perception of the situation, and the actions and motivations of the other person.
When facing a situation that we find distressing, we might often perceive the situation as one where:
The other person knew what they were doing and how it would affect us;
They intended to do what they did and to have that effect on us; and
They did so for no other reason other than to cause that hurt and to have that intended effect.
We default to the understanding that their intentions are malicious.
But this is often very far from the truth!
And so, our wrong perception of their actions and the situation; and all the pain, anger and resentment tied up in it, is therefore unnecessary.
For example, they may not have been aware of how they were behaving, if they were in a state of great panic or stress.
They might not know how we might perceive their actions or how it might affect us.
For example, we might be more sensitive than they are and things they consider ‘small’ might affect us deeply. But they have no way of knowing this until we find a way to let them know.
There could even be a situation where we were already wary of them because of something that happened before. And so, we interpret their present action in light of our negative view of them.
Again, our perception would be very different (and negative) as a result.
Perception leads to judgment and judgment leads to a lack of love or compassion for the other person, so the wrong perception is often harmful and damaging to us and others.
Awareness Leads to Compassion
But what if we knew that the other person was going through something difficult? What if we knew and understood how this was affecting them?
Our perception would change instantly.
We might sympathise; make allowance, or even reach out and try to help them.
And what follows the situation would also change drastically.
Instead of disliking each other, we might actually become closer as people, or even become good friends.
The Story of the Drunk Man on the Train
There was a story in the original ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul‘ book that illustrates this point clearly.
It went something like this:
The man narrating the story was an American living in Japan. He was a trained martial artist.
When he was on the train one day, a drunken man got on and was behaving badly.
The drunken man’s behaviour disturbed the peace within the carriage and made the other passengers feel uncomfortable.
The narrator was thinking about tackling the drunken man, using his martial arts skills.
But just before he could do this, an older man who was also on the train, intervened. He spoke to the drunken man kindly and diffused the situation.
Eventually, they all learned that the drunken man’s wife had died, and that he had no job and was homeless.
When the narrator left the train, the drunken man was on the floor, sobbing, with his head on the older man’s lap.
This completely changed the narrator’s perception of the drunken man, and the situation, and he was glad that the older man’s kindness had saved the day.
This story holds a powerful lesson for all of us, which is that whenever we’re faced with the hurtful behaviour of others, we should default to assuming that they’re going through something difficult in their own lives and that this behaviour is the result of their struggle.
With this new awareness, we are better equipped to resolve the situation amicably and secure lasting peace and happiness for all concerned.
I would like to end this post with this quote by Ian Maclaren:
‘Be pitiful, for every man is fighting a hard battle.’
‘If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?’ ––Rumi
Growing is a part of being alive.
If we’re not growing, we’re dying.
Usually, much of growing happens automatically, without any effort on our part.
But sometimes, growth demands that we put in effort.
And that’s when we truly grow.
This sort of growth affects us physically, mentally and spiritually. It changes us at a deep level.
It is often uncomfortable–painful, even.
But the level of growth we can achieve, usually matches the level of pain we experience.
The ego doesn’t want change. And the ego doesn’t want pain.
So, we have to put in lots of effort in order to overcome the resistance that the ego is experiencing in the situation.
Yes, we need the ‘hard’ qualities like determination and grittiness to handle these situations.
But because we have to overcome the ego (which only understands control and domination), we also need the ‘soft’ qualities like patience, humility and surrender to get the job done.
And that’s how we grow.
We grow when we keep trying, even though everything inside us wants us to give up.
We grow when we choose to stay, when we want so much to run away.
And we grow when we learn to handle the pain of the situation and stay with it, trusting that it will end at some point, and that something good will come out of it.
As the saying goes, it’s the pressure that creates the diamond.
What makes all of this possible (and is interestingly, also the thing that helps us to grow the most) is when we learn to see the uncomfortable situation as an opportunity for our growth and evolution––to see it as something ‘good’ and not as something ‘bad’.
This is mental and spiritual alchemy.
We’re taking something difficult and painful, and through our effort, we’re transmuting it into something good, and birthing the new and better version of ourselves that we’re meant to become.
As lofty an idea as this might be, I can’t in all sincerity say that I wish this for myself or another.
But life can and does still send these opportunities our way from time to time.
So what I can, and do wish, is that whenever this happens, we can recognise the opportunity and rise to the occasion; that we can go through the difficult times with grace and humility and come out the other side as victors.
And remember, as the spiritual teacher Bashar says, some situations and life lessons are pre-determined by our Higher Self.
And we may have to endure passing through a dark tunnel from time to time, as a result.
But even then, we still get to choose whether we crawl our way through, or skip and dance instead.
