The Key to Peace: Seeing Others with Compassion, Not Judgment

‘When you finally learn that a person’s behaviour has more to do with their own internal struggle than you, you learn grace.’
––Allison Ars

Much of the conflict and suffering in our lives has to do with other people.

Often, we hold grievances and resentment against others for something they did that we perceive as hurtful, unfair or dishonest.

We continue to suffer long after the actual event because we cannot let go of what they did, or forgive them.

On the one hand, this is entirely fair, because we have a duty to love and care for ourselves. In fact, some would argue that this (being an aspect of self-preservation) is our primary duty.

Yet on the other hand, unwanted suffering does not serve us, or aid in our self-preservation.

So, being able to understand other people’s motivations, forgive them, and release them (and ourselves) from any further negative feelings is helpful to creating happiness and attracting good things into our lives.

This is not always easy to do, but there is something that can help us make it so.

But first, let’s look at what usually happens in these situations and how we usually start off on the wrong foot.

The ‘Wrong Perception’ Trap

One of the biggest barriers to forgiveness is our perception of the situation, and the actions and motivations of the other person.

When facing a situation that we find distressing, we might often perceive the situation as one where:

1. The other person knew what they were doing and how it would affect us;
2. They intended to do what they did and to have that effect on us; and
3. They did so for no other reason other than to cause that hurt and to have that intended effect.

We default to the understanding that their intentions are malicious.

But this is often very far from the truth!

And so, our wrong perception of their actions and the situation; and all the pain, anger and resentment tied up in it, is therefore unnecessary.

For example, they may not have been aware of how they were behaving, if they were in a state of great panic or stress.

They might not know how we might perceive their actions or how it might affect us.

For example, we might be more sensitive than they are and things they consider ‘small’ might affect us deeply. But they have no way of knowing this until we find a way to let them know.

There could even be a situation where we were already wary of them because of something that happened before. And so, we interpret their present action in light of our negative view of them.

Again, our perception would be very different (and negative) as a result.

Perception leads to judgment and judgment leads to a lack of love or compassion for the other person, so the wrong perception is often harmful and damaging to us and others.

Awareness Leads to Compassion

But what if we knew that the other person was going through something difficult? What if we knew and understood how this was affecting them?

Our perception would change instantly.

We might sympathise; make allowance, or even reach out and try to help them.

And what follows the situation would also change drastically.

Instead of disliking each other, we might actually become closer as people, or even become good friends.

The Story of the Drunk Man on the Train

There was a story in the original ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul‘ book that illustrates this point clearly.

It went something like this:

The man narrating the story was an American living in Japan. He was a trained martial artist.

When he was on the train one day, a drunken man got on and was behaving badly.

The drunken man’s behaviour disturbed the peace within the carriage and made the other passengers feel uncomfortable.

The narrator was thinking about tackling the drunken man, using his martial arts skills.

But just before he could do this, an older man who was also on the train, intervened. He spoke to the drunken man kindly and diffused the situation.

Eventually, they all learned that the drunken man’s wife had died, and that he had no job and was homeless.

When the narrator left the train, the drunken man was on the floor, sobbing, with his head on the older man’s lap.

This completely changed the narrator’s perception of the drunken man, and the situation, and he was glad that the older man’s kindness had saved the day.

This story holds a powerful lesson for all of us, which is that whenever we’re faced with the hurtful behaviour of others, we should default to assuming that they’re going through something difficult in their own lives and that this behaviour is the result of their struggle.

With this new awareness, we are better equipped to resolve the situation amicably and secure lasting peace and happiness for all concerned.

I would like to end this post with this quote by Ian Maclaren:

‘Be pitiful, for every man is fighting a hard battle.’